Mr Catfish


Walking along in the brisk cold to meet my date, I feel I am channelling Bridget Jones as I strut through Borough Market and past the flat where she fictionally lived.

Seeing what I hope is my date, he looks a little different from his pictures but he is tall and gorgeous – a big step up from all the last car crashes!

Hearing my phone ring, I smile in delight as I answer, telling him to turn around.

WTF!?! That’s not my date. 

Watching in horror as an exceptionally short man with the physique of a pre-pubescent boy turns around, clutching tightly onto his phone, looking eagerly around for his date….Fuck, I think I’ve just been Cat-Fished!

In a flurry of panic, I run – I run at high speed into the nearest shop. Ducking down behind the rail of birthday cards in the window, I feel everyone in the shop staring at me. In all fairness I am squatting on the floor like some kind of crazed woman…I pull my phone out and call my friend.

After a mini pep talk and the overwhelming feeling of guilt that I’m on all hands and knees hiding in a shop from him – I really hope he hasn’t seen any of this! Taking a deep breathe in, I venture out of the shop and wave at him.

Heading straight to the pub and I already have the intention to drink at least half of my body weight in alcohol (which I’m classing it as pre drinking for my night out later). Oh, great the barman is insanely HOT and it looks like this guy is either my boyfriend, my little brother or the cringingly obvious my Tinder date.

Guzzling down my double vodkas – nope he still looks the same.

I am frantically racking my brain for everything that you shouldn’t say on a first date and reeling it all off, in the hope to put him off me…I start rambling on about my cats, ex-boyfriends, my last dates and then even more cats!

How can this not be working? as his face comes flying towards mine with the intent to kiss me – Oh god no no no!!! Moving my face away at super speed and narrowly avoiding a head on collision, we are now left sitting in a painfully awkward silence.

Explaining I had to be up early, we say our goodbyes…but instead I’m off to meet my friends who are waiting for me in a bar round the corner.

I have not spoken to him since, but I did meet a guy later that night!


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