Month: February 2015

The City Slicker

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Unable to see my tall blonde city slicker, I walk past the bar in search for him.

From the corner of my eye, I spot a small creepy man hiding in a doorway. Tightening my grip on my bag whilst feeling for my perfume to act as pepper spray and reaching for my keys ready to jab him in the eye. I pick up my pace as this small podgy man begins to lurk out of the shadows…..aaahhh following me! Great, where the hell is my date?

Walking faster as I search frantically for my phone, I hear my name being called from behind me…Oh god please don’t say that creepy man is my date?!  (more…)

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I Survived V Day

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I am proud to announce that I have survived the tsunami that is V Day!

Every year without fail it storms in with its varying shades of red, Love hearts, flowers and over the top couples hopelessly in love, well for that one day a least!

Followed quickly by a monsoon of vomit inducing Facebook status’s and updates…So I did what any sensible woman would do – I took shelter, the retro way and ditched social media.

I have come back out of hiding, turned my wifi back on and re-joined the 21st Century once again!

I’m sure this post sounds like the ranting bitterness of a woman who spent Valentines alone. Yes, in food stained pyjamas, overdosing on chick flick’s and swigging wine from the bottle – as she larily shouts abuse at the all the leading men in said movies, all the while projecting her cynical and scorned self upon them. Ha! I was not that woman.

I had quite possibly the best Valentine’s day date….and no it wasn’t with my cat. Although she did send me a card, I’m not sure if that makes my cat gay or if that fringes on me being insanely weird or even weirder that my own mother sent it?

Instead I had a house guest, in the form of my amazing gay friend, who was down in London for his very first ever Tinder Valentines date!

We spent the day wandering around Borough Market, drinking hot ciders – as it’s completely acceptable to drink there at 11am and not look like a homeless alcoholic!

We then drunkenly stumbled along the river (in the rain) where I became a rather crap tour guide showing him the sights of Southbank!

I think I was more nervous than him for his date (well maybe not), but because of my own Tinder disappointments and previous horrific Valentines date nightmare (The Valentine from hell – http://wp.me/p50Tds-2n) I did not want that for him. However, I can safely say that his date has restored my faith in romance and Tinder!

Let’s hope my next Tinder date is as fit as his.

The wine connoisseur

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As I arrived his clear relief that I had actually turned up was evident, as was the empty bottle of wine that sat on the table next to the other half-drunken bottle – sitting down and eyeing up the pre-poured glass of wine, that sat just millimeters away.

I had to endure 20 painfully un-interesting facts about wine thrown at me before I was even allowed a sip! –  I have never lusted after an alcoholic beverage so much in my life!

I then watched in repulsion as he practically downed the next bottle of wine (I barely had a few sips of my own glass and I’m pretty sure by his slurring that this was his 3rd  bottle) and that’s when it dawned on me – is this how I come across after I’ve consumed a substantial amount of wine?   A woman drunk on wine (if anything like me) is not a pretty sight! – but a man drunk on wine is just a whole other level that I have never experienced, nor ever want to again.  (more…)