The Hot Guy (Part 2)

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Staring at my butchered hair in the mirror and holding back the tears. Why, why, why did I have to get my haircut today??

Note to self:

  • Never get hair cut on day of date!
  • Do not comfort eat on McDonald’s  – It won’t bring your hair back and you will feel like an over sized elephant.
  • Hold off date until after PMS has gone – Your hormones will send you crazy.

Ransacking my wardrobe like a crazed banshee, in the attempt to find something that hides my McDonald’s belly. Maybe I could just throw a black bin liner around myself and say it’s all the rage in east London! Yeah, he defiantly won’t believe that.

Spotting him across the road, I’m suddenly aware of how awful I look.

Shit! Why didn’t I put more effort in? I’m wearing the baggiest bland jumper I could find and yes, its Primark – What the hell was I thinking? And to make it worse I’ve matched them with shiny leggings that sag around on my knees. Oh and to top it all off…I have a middle aged woman’s haircut.

I would laugh if this wasn’t so tragic.

Sitting opposite him, I begin to find myself acting weird and I can’t stop. It seems I’ve reverted back in to the 13 year old me – I forgot this happens when I fancy someone. I blush, act awkward and can’t talk properly except for spewing out random words like the girl from the exorcist.

I’m trapped inside my own body with no control over anything I say or do. Great, now my arms are waving around like gravity doesn’t exit and I’m talking complete and utter crap and he won’t stop staring at my hair!

Wincing my eyes together as he mentioned The non tinder date http://wp.me/p50Tds-6t and praying that ‘weird me’ doesn’t say anything bad – It turns out his co-worker had told him we had a thing going on. I dread to imagine what other lies he’s told him?

Instead of calmly explaining it was one off a drink, I begin to rant. Even as I try to stop myself, I can’t – Oh god, ‘stop talking!!’ I’m screaming at myself in my head but no…words just keep exploding out of my mouth like an erupting volcano.

Realising I’m digging myself a grave and sounding like an almighty bitch at the same time. I try to back track which just makes this whole situation worse and I’m completely lost in my own babbling nonsense.

As we leave the bar and the sheer relief that this whole thing is over, (except for the wanting to kick myself repeatedly) he throws a glimmer of hope ‘i’ll text you’ and just like that, I found myself waiting by my phone like a pathetic love struck teenager.

Unfortunately the only text’s I did receive where from the one person I wish didn’t have my number, That’s right, The Non Tinder Date / His co-worker.

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The Hot Guy (Part 1)

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It started a few months ago, when I walked into a bar (I wish I could say sober, but I had consumed quite a few 2 for 1 cocktails across the road, So I  was definitely more staggering than strutting) and locked eyes with the most HOTTEST man I have ever seen, well in this last year at least!

We talked for a while and swapped numbers.

Unfortunately in my drunk state I forgot one major problem – he was working in the same bar as The Non Tinder Date http://wp.me/p50Tds-65  – Who I must add, is still messaging me as according to him ‘we had a real connection’  – we really didn’t.

After a week of texting, we arranged a date….

Sunshine, Drinks & Stalking

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For the past month or so, I have been rather absent from my blog.

I would like to say, I have met the love of my life. Binned the Tinder and am currently planning a round the world trip with my incredibly handsome boyfriend, but that would be a lie.

Instead, I’ve been enjoying the hot weather and socialising a little too much – so much so that my liver has sent me a holiday request form! (I probably should let her have some time off)

Since my last post 

  • I accidentally stalked a guy – All the humiliating details will be revealed in my next post!
  • Gained 2 creepy admirers – That just so happen to be my neighbours.
  • Created a fake boyfriend – To ward off creepy neighbours; It’s not worked as one now thinks ‘I’m playing hard to get’ and the other believes we have a ‘secret thing’

Oh and did I mention…I turned 28! I’m officially creeping the ladder to 30 and one step closer to my ever impending spinsterhood.

The Non Tinder Date

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Walking up to meet my non tinder date, God I hope I recognize him.

Oh my… I was clearly hammered when we met. I remember him being much better looking than this. Fuck!

Hopefully he has something nice planned to detract from the awfulness of how this date is going to go.

We are not even at our date destination yet and I’m already mentally deciding that I’m only staying for an hour out of politeness. As he signals me into the pub for drinks, not just any pub, my local pub and the one where he works – Great!  (more…)

Mr Catfish

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Walking along in the brisk cold to meet my date, I feel I am channelling Bridget Jones as I strut through Borough Market and past the flat where she fictionally lived.

Seeing what I hope is my date, he looks a little different from his pictures but he is tall and gorgeous – a big step up from all the last car crashes!

Hearing my phone ring, I smile in delight as I answer, telling him to turn around.

WTF!?! That’s not my date.  (more…)

The Rise Of The Nameist’s

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It has recently come to my attention that I am a nameist – There I said it!

If I don’t like their name, I instantly swipe left regardless of how hot they are.

I realise I could be shooting myself catastrophically in the foot, but as my lovely friends kindly pointed out – Some men could be thinking the same thing when they see my name!

In truth, if I saw a good-looking guy at a bar and we got chatting, would his name matter as much? Probably not.

Has Tinder made us all a lot more shallow and picky? Yes.

So from now on, I shall be swiping right no matter what their name is…or at least attempting too!

Mr Swing Dance

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Squashed amongst the sweaty commuters all crammed like sardines into the tube carriage and stuck underneath a stranger’s armpit – it’s at times like this I wish I was tall!

All my hopes of looking halfway decent for this date have evaporated as fast as the guy next to me is perspiring…

Darting out of the tube and gasping for air – my once volumed hair is now limp, lifeless and saturated in someone else’s sweat – what a great start to my date!

Standing outside the venue and looking for my Mr Swing Dance – I’m having serious seconds thoughts as to why I agreed to this date.

Oh dear God, there he is – in full swing dance attire and I, well, I look like I’m dressed for a funeral!   He looks nothing like his pictures, not even a smidge of similarity. I wish the pavement would devour me.  (more…)

Men Of Tinder

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After yet another horrific tinder date (see previous post -The City Slicker http://wp.me/p50Tds-4S ) and his bizarre need to send me unwanted cock shots!?! I felt compelled to write this…

We do not want to see your flaccid microscopic manhood flashing up on our phone screens. – It’s very awkward when you’re travelling on London transport and the person next to you is being overly nosy!

We laugh at your ‘come hither’ photos of you lying naked, seductively sprawled across your bed. – We know it took you 20 odd attempts to get that ‘perfect shot’.

And we laugh even more when our mutual friends pop up!

So men of tinder, I urge you to put your penises away and have some dignity…Don’t be that guy.

 

The City Slicker

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Unable to see my tall blonde city slicker, I walk past the bar in search for him.

From the corner of my eye, I spot a small creepy man hiding in a doorway. Tightening my grip on my bag whilst feeling for my perfume to act as pepper spray and reaching for my keys ready to jab him in the eye. I pick up my pace as this small podgy man begins to lurk out of the shadows…..aaahhh following me! Great, where the hell is my date?

Walking faster as I search frantically for my phone, I hear my name being called from behind me…Oh god please don’t say that creepy man is my date?!  (more…)

I Survived V Day

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I am proud to announce that I have survived the tsunami that is V Day!

Every year without fail it storms in with its varying shades of red, Love hearts, flowers and over the top couples hopelessly in love, well for that one day a least!

Followed quickly by a monsoon of vomit inducing Facebook status’s and updates…So I did what any sensible woman would do – I took shelter, the retro way and ditched social media.

I have come back out of hiding, turned my wifi back on and re-joined the 21st Century once again!

I’m sure this post sounds like the ranting bitterness of a woman who spent Valentines alone. Yes, in food stained pyjamas, overdosing on chick flick’s and swigging wine from the bottle – as she larily shouts abuse at the all the leading men in said movies, all the while projecting her cynical and scorned self upon them. Ha! I was not that woman.

I had quite possibly the best Valentine’s day date….and no it wasn’t with my cat. Although she did send me a card, I’m not sure if that makes my cat gay or if that fringes on me being insanely weird or even weirder that my own mother sent it?

Instead I had a house guest, in the form of my amazing gay friend, who was down in London for his very first ever Tinder Valentines date!

We spent the day wandering around Borough Market, drinking hot ciders – as it’s completely acceptable to drink there at 11am and not look like a homeless alcoholic!

We then drunkenly stumbled along the river (in the rain) where I became a rather crap tour guide showing him the sights of Southbank!

I think I was more nervous than him for his date (well maybe not), but because of my own Tinder disappointments and previous horrific Valentines date nightmare (The Valentine from hell – http://wp.me/p50Tds-2n) I did not want that for him. However, I can safely say that his date has restored my faith in romance and Tinder!

Let’s hope my next Tinder date is as fit as his.